Wellp, there you have it...I never actually thought I'd write in this thing again. I thought it was a goner...and then I realized some interesting things recently that I want to get off my chest...I think all friends have stopped reading this by now...it was a sad remnant of high school and days gone by, in retrospect, but if it's a place to put my thoughts down, it's easier than a physical diary. Things have been strange lately. Something happened last weekend that made me feel empowered but also a little worried-a friend from a few years ago that I used to be very close with came over, along with another friend, whom I'm still very close with. The first one was always a social butterfly...so much so, that they often discarded emotion from numerous people, including close friends, in order to continue on their merry way in the egocentric field of opaque social servitude. Gag me. When she began talking only about petty things in her life I didn't mind-they usually do that, and I, along with my other friend who was there, listened...but after about twenty minutes I just realized how badly I wanted them out of my house and honestly couldn't stand them for too much longer. It was sort of freeing in a way. No longer did I actually realize how often this person talks on and on about themself; I realized that I didn't need to listen to it anymore. And, in fact, that felt good. This also makes me think that friendships don't last forever, despite the "no matter how hard you both try to remain friends" thing. I honestly think it all just comes down to compatability in the end...but maybe this is a veil for giving up on friendship...doubtful, though-I'm sure we'll talk again soon...and I'll be bored out of my mind, unsure why I'm sitting there at all. Maybe this is human nature or maybe it's just me...not sure, but it feels odd to move on in your own mind, I'll tell you that much. Let's see if I can stick to my guns on this one.
Another thing I realized today is how ridiculous it is when people fall directly into an age-old sterotype. Not that I mind people who do-I'm friends with a few of them-the activist, the new-age hippy, the theatre kid...but today in buffalo exchange there were these two girls talking-both dressed sort of like punks...not so much scenesters...and this one girl with loose black clothing and unbrushed crazy blonde hair asks the tattooed, emo-banged/weird-dye-job-haired girl where she works. The latter responds with some little sandwich place, and the first girl goes, "Hey-at least you haven't gone corporate." The other one agrees.... Maybe it's just because I just came from working at nbc for the day, but honestly-HONESTLY. It grated on my skin one thousand and two times more than I would have ever expected it would have. You want to talk about fitting into a corporate mold? Well, maybe we should talk about you fitting into your anti-establishment molds which you ALL SEEM TO FIT INTO EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. Doesn't that defeat your purpose? Also-selling out vs. going corporate? The difference is...? In terms of music, we can discuss...in terms of a job? Hello, you live in america, not in the jungle where you survive off of bugs and primitive hunting skill. Welcome to capitalism, trademarked by corporation. Corporation, in some ways, is the backbone of this country. That doesn't mean it's a horrible thing necessarilly. It isn't the end of the world if you work for The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf or something for however long. It doesn't mean you've sold out in life. People have some really weird stigmas. Welcome to the real world, everyone...going corporate won't kill you, provided you find something you're happy doing; that's my theory and I'm sticking to it...we'll see if it works for me. I guess, though, on the flip side, that everyone has to fill their molds to fit into in some ways...even if they perpetuate them by believing they're breaking them. It's ridiculously ironic.
In happier news, I'm reading a lot of hunter s. thompson and today at nbc I was told that I can cover some of comic-con...also, a musician I really admire and love keeps writing back to me!
I can't even begin to express how excited I am to be going home. This time next week, I'll be at home (probably writing like mad for my newsgathering class, but home nonetheless)
Things I'm looking forward to: seeing a cosa production and everyone there cast party!! el indio, sushi at bistro, world curry, etc sleepovers w/ aly sleepovers w/ lauren cookies and movies with james anything and everything with nicole sleeping in my own house my livingroom my mom's cooking hanging out with my brother walking around the island warmer climate the beach orange ave walking down the street and seeing people I've known for years and years stopping in on cam at work in video land palm trees cheap, good mexican food a breeze that feels nice, not death-inviting the view of downtown at night the del yes, even the tourists my friend kate who will be visiting from malibu on sundaaaay!!! I just really miss coronado-being back home for the first time since august will be incredible it would be incredible even if I did nothing but lounge around on my giant couch (which I also miss)
there are a few people I'll miss who won't be on break at the same time as I will (like Laura, prob. nick unless I see him the same night as lauren, suca, etc) but laura might be visiting me in va in april and before I know it I'll be back for summer on May 4th!
:)
On another note, this episode of Heroes is way enlightening. it's intense. lots of background information. lots of suspense. OH.MY.GOD there is something insane going on right now. oh nooooooooooo DON'T DIIIIIEEEEEEE
oh my god. claire bennett kicks fucking ass.
holy shit. this show is so good. sorry, okay, commercial break. This show is honestly so much better written than lost at this point (alarming, I know). lost is slacking. c'mooonnnn, jj abrahms.
(speaking of which, I'm really excited for comic-con this year...I hope there's another heroes panel!!!)
As soon as I get through this week, my life will be amazing. jer is picking me up on friday after work, then I'm going to w&m and then on saturday morning we're getting lunch and then I'm off to the airport!!! :)
In other other news, I just bought the prestige on dvd the other day. major fan. ps, it was about fucking time for scorsese to win. how many times has he previously been nominated? six times? seven times? whatever the case, he's been cheated until this year. also, the grandpa from little miss sunshine winning best supporting was the highlight of my night :)
(pps, I'm almost tempted to stay up and watch the black donnellys...not sure, though)
In any case, I've been listening to the same few songs over and over again and they're ridiculously good...in case anyone's interested, here they are:
1. chicago-sufjan stevens 2. on the bus mall-the decemberists 3. (hold on)
I just sobbed at the end of that episode. he always reminded me of my dad...if he's really dead I'm writing jeph loeb a letter. fuck that. he can't be. I refuse to believe it for my own sake.
okay. (deep breath)
3. disarm-smashing pumpkins 4. all good naysayers speak up! or forever hold your peace!-sufjan stevens 5. dashboard-modest mouse 6. how to grow a woman from the ground-chris thile 7. engine driver-the decemberists
okay, this new show the black donnellys is actually very good.
HAHAHA YESSSSS THEY'RE PLAYING 'HOW COULD I FORGET' BY THE FAINT RIGHT NOW IN THE SHOW...they're only using the instrumental bits, though...listen for it if you decide to see it.
it's like boondock saints but not overrated yet (HAH! take that overly-dramatic, over-hyped cult film that isn't that good!)...man...I shouldn't say that, though...boondock saints fans are fucking crazy about that movie....meh.
this post is such a weird cacauphony of cultural media review...but honestly-mob show about the black irish (mmmmm black irish boys), written well, good cinematography, lots of characters, all given equal time=caught my interest.
now I have a play to read...see most of you this week :)
<3<3<3<3
EDIT
this video is amazing and wonderful-first of all, the decemberists (one of my faves) are playing in july at the hollywood bowl with the LA SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA...yeah, um, that's gonna be amazing. tickets go on sale on the 3rd (this sunday)...I have no idea how much they'll be...probably considerably more than the $20 they're charging for a norfolk, va show...if you like them, though, I'd love to get a group to road trip up to la and see it!
ok-this video (sixteen military wives) is like a wes anderson film (reminds me of rushmore-takes place at a school- and the royal tenenbaums b/c of the text narration) and then throw in some political commentary and set it to a fun song and there you have it.
ok, so, let me say that... well I have no idea what I'm really trying to say except that I just need to write.
Today for my Beat Generation class I read 'Howl' by Ginsberg. I fucking wish I knew him or had some way to say hello or ask questions-through 'Go' his personality, actions, epiphanies...you name it, have all been captured in time...not frozen, but it almost feels like they could still be existing somehow...that he could still be frantically wandering san francisco or ny running from apartment to apartment, looking for new gossip about friends and happenings, seeing Blake in visions. I wish I had known him. Out of anyone else in history I wish I had known him. But back to 'Howl'. It honestly affected me...not even 'Howl' so much, but well, part Part III, but mainly his 'Footnote to Howl'. How beautiful it is! How beautiful it all must be to see a holy light in all and to actually believe it.
I feel like (well, first off that Neil Cassady was a dick...no pun intended) but that Kerouac, despite his stories I'm not a huge fan of, could have been a good friend. I feel like John Clellon Holmes felt a lot like I do sometimes, amongst friends and a background more creative, more driven and fanatical than I could ever be...but that's okay.
These people are all dead but it still feels like they can be alive...this post probably doesn't make much sense...I feel like I'm ranting but I just need to get it out
every! single! word! is poetry to them...I wish I could wind words, twist them into being maybe someday
recently I've been feeling torn...what do I do with my life? I talked to byron the other night about journalism a tough job to get into, he said yes, I said. I agreed.
I can't tell how I'm supposed to write. news? just report the facts. poetry-be fluid, express creatively. I love dickens. I love novels with piles of superfluous semicolons and submersive stories and dependent clauses. fuck that hemingway shit. give me detail and emotion.
I feel like my brain is sort of melting in confusion I don't know if I have enough time to decide, but I sometimes feel that I'll be in college or some net forever.
'I'm living in eternity, Stofsky,' wrote Holmes. I like that quote. I love all of Ginsberg's antics and his feelings on time.
my favorite part of any of his poetry reads exactly:
Holy time in eternity holy eternity in time
think about it, people. just THINK. I want to be great. I want to be greater than great. I want to make a name for myself and I want to make it now. I want to be successful...I think that's my greatest fear...failure. even the word is harsh. not just the implications. say it out loud. go on. failure. fffaaaaiiiiilure.
it's horrible. just the sound of it.
there's too much in my brain and too much energy I need to put this to creative use, not just writing in my blog right now but see THAT'S the entire question of it! HOW? HOW???
What do I write? poetry? do my newgathering hw? should I write an article about something completely fictional? I need to be languid. what the fuck is the form of this post? there is no form it's incredible.
I need to walk up and down the streets of san francisco. I think I'm losing my mind...this should pass within the hour but I don't know how to cope...oh man...what's going on with me..I need to get out of here and run around...maybe I should go outside.
maybe I should go outside and write. where is all of this going? where am I going?
I'm typing so frantically..................dear god. stofsky. ginsberg. marx.
they are all the same. can't you just imagine? just ponder it all.
my film, text and culture class this semester is (of course) a regular class taught in a room, but in addition to it the students are required to keep a blog to be graded, by thoughts on the courseload but also by interraction between students in the class; I'll be linking and alluding to other blogs in the class (which should be fun, b/c there are some very entertaining people in there, ie. megs-giggly and girly, ben-head of the improv team...enough said, and joey-funny and cool to talk to...and there are many more, folks). I'm actually really looking forward to it.
As of now, my page looks like crap, but I found a theme that I hope will work (fingers crossed). In case you're interested, (I only believe a couple of people actually will be interested COUGH*james*COUGH, but it should be cool-also, for all you high schoolers out there about to head into college, this might be cool to see a college course discussed by some fun people.) Anywho:
http://blogs.elsweb.org/mordecai/
I'm listening to Rilo Kiley's album "The Destruction of All Things"...classic, and for those of you who haven't heard it, give it a try. Also, I've been listening to a lot of Matt Pond PA (and Sufjan...of course). But "New Hampshire" by Matt Pond PA is friggin' great. Also along the lines of entertainment, The Departed is awesome and, in my opinion, deserving of every nomination it got (yes, even Leo DiCaprio's best actor nod; I was shocked by how good he was in this)...ALSO amazing: Little Miss Sunshine, Somewhat like The Royal Tennenbaums meets The Squid and the Whale meets National Lampoon...go figure. In any case, Steve Carell is great in a drier role...but enough on that.
My trip was absolutely amazing...absolutely incredible. I've got hundreds of pictures so I'm obviously not going to put them all on here, but I'll put up some selections from each city and some of my favorites...also, I'll be back home for spring break in a month and a half, so all pictures can be seen then, I guess.
SO...this email is in response to my visit this afternoon to my history professor's office to see an estimation of my grade (as I feel I've completely desecrated the shot for a full 'A' due to my horrible quiz score today). She assured me that I shouldn't be getting anything lower than an A-, which is fine, but she also sent me this email...which is true, but the last line just cracked me up. Explanation to follow.
Stephanie,
I sent you the topics after you left but I had not chance to say anything else. It has been a rather bad day (for the last day) but let me re-assure you: your work is both marvelous and idiosyncratic which is to say, it's original, makes an impression yet tends to fall short of a task set for you. It may work differently in other classes, but for mine--had you done excellently on quizzes too and if you could bring yourself to participate once in a while, that would ensure you a full A. With those being just basic, let's say, you're dependent on your written work. Still it's my primary source of evaluation.
In general, everyone has their strengths; very few can do it all that's required nowadays. When someone can excel in a particular area they can learn to be adequate in related ones. My advice to you--try and bring yourself to say something once in a while. Verbal skills, right? OK. You're an excellent and original-thinking student as far as I know; I ever enjoyed your essays above any proper responses.
KTokareva
So...the last line made me literally laugh out loud (with good reason, I believe). Oh dear. Related story which is possibly why it makes me happy: Jer's older brother, Andrew, just graduated. Apparently, when he turned in his thesis paper his professor insighted him into the fact that he had not, in fact, answered the promt, but it was so well written that he still received a B.
I suppose it just goes to show you that if you can write well you can get away with any liberal arts class...haha...probably not a good incentive to actually do more work and studying, but it is rather entertaining.
"I ever enjoyed your essays above any proper responses."
Love it.
P.S. I see nicole in roughly 2.5 hours. Jer's visit last weekend was amazing. Europe in one week, here I come...
Let me just say it's way hard to try and get all of your shit together so that you don't land on your ass after college...especially when you're coming down to the end of a semester and classes pile all the crap on you that you hadn't gotten to yet so you've got like, double the stuff to do than your syllabi say you do.
oye.
I've got nothing to really show for any internship apps and they're all due at the beginning of december...for the summer internships. yeah. shit. oh well...the internships I really want only accept juniors at earliest but in order to get those, you've got to have previous internship experience. so...I guess I'm sort of screwed?
enough whining.
I just went out and got Paste's latest mag (the only magazine I'd pay eight dollars for per edition) and I'm lovin' it. The big kicker? It always comes w/ a sampler cd of really awesome good music. so you can probably guess what I'm listening to. Ihighlyrecommendit. If you're into getting into new bands along with sweet reviews, it's the mag for you...not only that, it's bi-monthly so you get around 40 new songs a month. pretty fucking sweet if you ask me, and if you don't then tough, you're the one reading my blog.
Long story short I've got things pretty great right now (just noticed how thrillingly irratic I am with my capitalization...meh.) I'm listening to new music (might I recommend "Again and Again" by Bird & Bee), Jer is here on friday, nicole's here next friday, then the friday after that arrives my darlin' mom and then we're off to london.
...so I've just got a massiveheapload of tests and quizes and other misc. junk to sift through until then...speaking of which...I've got an essay due on Beowulf (that's my fourth essay now due on beowulf in 1.5 years of college. yeah, count fourth)...I suppose I'd better get a jump on that...that's the theory, anywho.
the reality being I'll get to it about 2 hrs before class at noon.
if you're fun, post what you're listening to right now
I'm off to this holiday for the giving of thanks with my aunt within the next 45 minutes...
I'm still sitting in my bath towel, SO not packed for the next 4 days.
I might be out of touch from our god-given internet so if I'm not updating facebook and haunting AIM as I frequently do,
you know why.
Happy Turkey(Tofurkey) Day.
To Collin and Lily, I hope the auditions went AMAZINGLY. To Nicole, I'm proud of you-continue through that first quarter kicking ass. To Kat, baby, I know it'll work out. If it doesn't, call me. We'll brainstorm. To Jon, have fun in SF w/ steve...I'm so jealous you don't even knowwwwww. To James, I've been missing you lately. Tell your amazing parents that I say hi, ok? To Bina...I'm so, so sorry. I love you, girly. If there's anything I can do, please let me know. ...I don't know who else reads this...so happy thanksgiving to all of you!
Name: The rocket girl. Stephashiznizzle, but to some, Stephanie 1 Home: Temporarilly Fredericksburg (or Fred Vegas, if you'd prefer), VA. Also, in the immortal words of my dear friend Joe, "Stephanie Breijo, you live on ebay." About Me: What can I say that hasn't already been said...? I live and I love it along with friends, good conversations, family, and adventure. I am always waiting to see what happens next. If you've any idea, please for the love of God, let me know. See my full profile, folks
